


Failure is a Point of Decision not a Dead End

by baekkieony



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: DJD - Freeform, Difficult Decisions, Doubting and Deciding, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, References to Depression, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, im really sorry, kind of a happy end?, self-punishment, self-starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 09:05:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16762129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekkieony/pseuds/baekkieony
Summary: It was not the first time he doubted himself, but doubt is not a point of no return.





	Failure is a Point of Decision not a Dead End

**Author's Note:**

> so, yeaaah. my first transformers story. i hope i did not mess up anything, but i'm kinda new to this fandom and i still struggle with getting the whole universe right :D so i apologize in advance (also, i did not write in four months or so and i'm sorry)

Drift swung his great sword to the other hand, circling his opponent in the dojo. Observing quietly, pedes almost going unheard, he made his move, sword gleaming up in a flash in the bright light of the dojo, rushing through the air with almost no sound but a deadly swoosh. This hit would strike home; Drift just knew it.

But he hadn't expected Wing’s move, turning away from the hit with graze and moving like fluid over the mat, storming towards him. When he sprang and swung _his_ sword, Drift was defeated. He managed no more than blocking the powerful hit, before it struck him right in the shoulder, making him stumble back until he almost fell on his aft.

Gathering his shit together, he tried to locate Wing and make his next move, but before he could even react, Wing was already behind him, an arm around Drift’s waist and his sword to Drift’s main energon line.

“Third lesson”, Wing whispered into Drift’s ear, sounding like a predator who just caught his prey, “never underestimate your enemy, even though he looks unthreatening”. Drift tried to turn his helmet around in the tight lock the sword provided, but the only thing Drift could catch was the vicious smirk on Wing’s lips that turned into a soft smile, before Wing moved away like air and left the dojo.

He failed. Failure.

Drift looked after him, frozen in place like he was struck by a lightening, before the sound of the door opening shook him out of it and he took a look at the incoming people, Dai Atlas with them. He looked at them for a few seconds, debating whether it was worth trying to make conversation with them or just leave.

He decided on leaving and was already half out of the dojo, on his way to the washracks, before an unknown voice called him out and he stopped dead in his tracks.

“Yo Drift, I saw you and Wing getting pretty handsy in here, mhm?”, the unknown mech smirked at him. “If I was you, I’d make no move on him, even Wing won’t touch a _Decepticon_ more than just in the dojo”, the mech laughed after his own statement, his friends and colleagues behind him falling in. Drift just stared at him, crunching his denta and deciding if it was worth punching him or not.

When he did nothing, the mech just laughed a bit louder. “So defenceless, the poor Decepticon. What even are you behind your swords?”, before Drift could do anything, he decided to turn around and leave, gaze locking with Dai Atlas – who did nothing, but let it happen. Again.

~*~

Drift sat on his berth, servos gracing his great sword in a tender caress. If he could, he would sleep with it, but his back pain was not worth it. The vows he swore to it were almost worth as much as his love for Wing. His mate, his only love.

Said mate just happened to be coming through the door, lips stretched in a smile and arms opening for a hug. Drift sprang up almost instantly, closing his arms around Wing’s neck and sealed their lips in a tight lock.

Not that Drift would ever resist him.

~*~

When Drift woke up to a canon pointing at his head, the only thing he could do was widen his optics.

He knew this mech in front of him. To be exact, he knew _all_ of them. He’d recognize the sound of this voice everywhere, at every time. The voice who told him that he shouldn’t struggle, that they had Wing captured and that if he didn’t try to restrain, he could live.

Completely in shock, Drift let himself be guarded to the living room of their shared apartment, Wing kneeling on the floor with his hands bound behind his back, a gag in his mouth and a canon pointed to his head and Vos smiling (if he could smile) behind him.

Vos. Tarn. The DJD had finally found him.

He didn’t struggle when they made him kneel on the floor in front of Wing. He didn’t struggle when they told him to hold his hands behind his back. He didn’t say anything when they told him about the things they’d do with him as soon as they’d be on the ship again. He just nodded, agreed to any term they made, but he had one thing.

“Will he live?”, Tarn didn’t seem to understand Drift’s question when he interrupted him in his rant about how they’d be bringing back “Megatron’s pet”. “What?”. “He”, Drift nodded to Wing and he could see him frantically shaking his head, “will he live if I go with you?”.

Tarn smiled.

“Of course”

Drift’s shoulder sacked down with the weight being put down from then and he smiled weakly to Wing, who still shook his head silently, eyes pleading and mouth forming something close to “please don’t leave” around the gag.

Then Tarn nodded to Vos once and Vos shot.

And for Drift, the world struck fire and even years later, he had never experienced the fury and hate he felt in this moment again. And then he went on a rampage.

Sinking down on Wing’s lifeless body minutes later and embracing him, the dead bodies of the DJD surrounding them, he cried for the lost spark of his only love.

He had failed. Again.

~*~

His stomach was lurching with every movement, limbs weak and grip even weaker. He hadn’t had any energon for three days and his stomach was turning, but he deserved it. He deserved it all.

It only started with not going out anymore after Wing died. After he was killed because of Drift. Because he wasn’t able to hide properly.

Two hours after Wing died, men came to get the bodies. Drift had called Dai Atlas almost directly after it happened, but he didn’t feel like being alone yet, so he tried to convince them to leave Wing here. They didn’t. Said they don’t trust “Ex-Decepticons”.

When he didn’t went out for a week, someone tried coming in probably, because they knocked on his door for almost an hour. But when he didn’t answer any comms., they also left. Probably heard the rumours.

The week after that, he found out that he liked it more when the rooms were all lit, because he was too scared to be in the darkness and alone with his thoughts. It was his fault that Wing died. Only his. Failure the only word hammering around in his head. He thought that his thoughts would eat him up alive with guilt if he'd let them.

Little did he know that they already did.

After week five of not going out, he stopped moving around in the apartment. Their berth was comfy enough for him. He didn’t need to go to the washracks or pee. Nobody saw him anyway.

After the half of the fifth week the energon rations were empty. Drift couldn’t be bothered enough to go out and fill them up.

He smiled looking at wall the berth was facing, his stomach crumbling with hunger. It almost felt good. Maybe even like the pain Wing felt when his head was blown through.

Yes, he definitely deserved it.

Recharge came late this days and when it did, it was filled with pictures of Wing and guilt.

~*~

When Drift woke up in a wide and green landscape, he was sure he was dreaming.

But he couldn’t. He felt too...awake. Honestly, he felt even more awake than he ever had in his life. He felt like he could throw whole mountains. He felt like he could find the source of the All Spark. Hell, he even felt like he could bring Wing back to life with one simple question.

He slowly sat up, propping himself on his servos and feeling the warm air of the breeze gush over his filters, through his vents and leaving him bribing with peace.

Peace. Yeah, he felt at peace.

Gaze following the wide landscape with eagerness, he asked himself where he was. Maybe earth, the place so many bots told stories about, yet he never saw pictures.

“You’re somewhere special”.

Okay, he _had_ to be dreaming, because the voice coming from the back was no other than Wing’s. When Drift turned around in shock, it really was Wing walking towards him, looking ethereal and unscratched. Almost innocent. His finish was perfect and gleaming with finesse, the red healthy and full, the white blinding. Drift was flashed. This couldn’t be any other place than heaven, he was sure.

“Wing!”

With excitement, he sprang up and ran in Wing’s opened arms, locking their lips in an endless kiss. It took a while before they hesitantly released each other and Drift locked his arms around Wing’s neck, staring right into his golden optics.

“Am I dreaming?”

Wing’s soft smile suddenly fell and his gaze went harsh.

“No”

“Where am I then?”

Wing took a long inhale before he answered.

“You’re in a place between death and life. Primus sent me to discuss the decision to die with you”.

Drift’s happy face fell in realisation and before he could say anything, Wing opened the ground beneath them and Drift hastily stumble away.

“But look for yourself”

What Drift saw underneath him was himself, lying on his berth, spread out limbs looking almost dead. His face was sunken, colour of his once shining amour gone, optics staring into darkness lifeless and empty, his frame looking too fragile for his own good.

Drift almost couldn’t avert his gaze from the lifeless frame that was himself, but when he did, his optics were filled with coolant. “Th-this is me? This empty mech?”, he heard it himself that he couldn’t believe it. He didn’t thought it was this bad. Holy shit, he didn’t even knew it was bad at all. He thought he was doing just fine, stomach cramps not counted.

“Yes. This is you”, Wing looked disappointed, sad and well, disappointed. “You starved yourself for two weeks and died from starvation this morning. I’m not here to welcome you to heaven, but to help you making a decision and I want you to decide to live”.

“But I miss you an-”

The gaze Wing shot him was not outright jealous, but somewhat close and it shut Drift up.

If he was honest, Drift had never thought about dying like this. Like, so seriously thought about it. After Wing's death it seemed like a sweet release not to be able to feel or to breathe anymore. He caught himself running away from problems and did nothing. But right here and now, feeling more alive than ever, he missed it. Missed enjoying the day. Missed looking forward to waking up. Missed living a life he threw carelessly away, because he thought he came to a deadlock.

“Drift, I did not have this decision. I couldn’t decide whether it was my time or not, so I want you to think about death twice. I didn’t decide to die at all, so I had no choice to change the obvious fact. But you have. You can. You do not have to die. You can go and live and restart while I can’t. And I’m not okay with you wasting this chance, not for me but for you!”

Drift wanted to interrupt him, but he didn’t. The coolant that filled his eyes was now running down his cheeks in small streaks.

“B-but I miss you so! And I failed! It is my fault you’re dead, it is my only fault! I deserve to be punished, I deserve to die. You should go down for me and live on, because I did wrong not you!”, Wing’s optics went soft when he saw the pure despair in Drift’s face, the guilt and the pain.

“You did nothing wrong, darling. You have to see that failure is not a point of no return. A failure is just a decision you have to make; the decision to move on and leave that failure behind, or the decision to give up. And I don’t think you should give up so easily. You should try. Your time hasn’t come yet, while mine has. I’ll be waiting in heaven for you, no matter what and I think Primus will let you live a fulfilled life until it’s time for you to come too. But this time is not now. So I ask you again, Drift, do you really want to die? Do you want to commit suicide and end your life forever?”

Die.

Suddenly, that word sounded so big. So much more than just stop living. So final.

But did Drift really want final?

“And you’ll be waiting for me? You won’t suffer? Can you promise me that?”

“I won’t suffer. My suffering will end the minute you decide to live”.

No, Drift didn’t really want final. Not now. For Wing.

So he kissed Wing goodbye and decided to live.


End file.
